Year 42
A season of unravelling
Today is my birthday. 🥳
The start of my 43rd trip around the sun.
So in this month’s note, I thought I’d share some random thoughts and musings I currently have as I conclude my 42nd year.
At this point in my life, I know from personal experience that there are years when you wander and/or wonder and years for reflection.
There are years when you grieve and years for celebration.
Then there are years when you unravel and subsequently, years when you sift through, reassemble and recreate from all that remains.
On reflection, Year 42 was a season of unravelling. It consisted of unpicking years of social and cultural conditioning engrained into what felt like every fiber of my being. This alongside coming to terms with the reality of my life and life in general versus hopes, dreams and expectations from the past - my own and those taught and “sold” to me.
As I begin Year 43 it feels like I am beginning to gather the pieces and explore new possibilities… maybe…
Time will tell.
Random thoughts and musings during Year 42
WTAF?!
This is the most prominent thought I’ve had throughout my 42nd year. About what my life looks like (nothing like I thought/hoped it would), about the state of the world, about everything really.
Now what?
Closely linked to #1.
What do you do when you’re at a crossroads in life where you never expected to find yourself? Especially when time is literally running out?
You lean into what brings you joy. You journal and get honest about how you feel and you feel all the feelings. You take the time you need to process where you’re at and you stay open to what could be possible. You are gentle and compassionate with yourself. You hold yourself tenderly.
It could be worse
Yes, it could but it could also be better, remember that! Of course, be grateful, you have so much to be thankful for but also don’t settle. Keep believing in your dreams. Challenge the conditioning, resist the BS.
I thought peace and joy were my foundational core values, turns out it’s hope
A few weeks ago I listened to an album that was released in 2005. Memories from my twenties washed over me. I reflected on how I felt then versus now (off the back of a winter that has felt very harsh) and it dawned on me that until recently I’ve always felt hopeful and optimistic about life.
Since Covid 2020, my hope has been slowly diminishing. I haven’t felt grounded for a long time and listening to that album helped me to recognise why.
The world has been anything but stable since 2020 and to navigate these uncertain times, I’ve been focusing on protecting my peace and prioritising joy. Now, however, I realise that to feel grounded I need to feel stable and for that, I need hope, in spite of all the things happening in life that are beyond my control or influence.
I regret not giving my art and creativity more time and priority in my life
I recently returned to the world of colouring books. Actually, it would be more accurate to say I’ve plunged headfirst into the rabbit hole of adult colouring.
Art and creative interests have been a consistent presence in my life but I’ve never allowed myself to be immersed in them. There’s always been a voice in my head that’s asked “What’s the point?” and told me that I *should*1 be doing something “more important” or “more productive”. But being creative makes me happy. That’s the point! What’s more important than that?
So as I begin my 43rd planetary trip, I am giving myself full permission to stay and play in the adult colouring “wonderland” for as long as it feels good. I will also create things, just because I can and want to.
Middle finger to algorithms!
My body is changing and I don’t like it
Internally and on the outside. It’s unnerving.
I now have to make a conscious effort to take care of my physical health. It no longer happens by “youthful magic” (which I know is a privilege). And it does take effort, a lot of it2. But the UK weather is miserable for two-thirds of the year so I mostly hibernate like a bear. This means I’m currently so unfit. My muscles ache, and my bones creak and crack. I just need to move my ar$e, literally!
I hate it here
aka I need to live in a warmer climate.
When you receive this note I’ll be in London but the first draft was written in Tenerife, my Canarian home away from home. But it’s been 18 months since I was last there. Why so long? Why don’t I spend more time there? Everything feels better in the sun and I know this. I need a plan… leading on from #6, again maybe I just need to move my ar$e, geographically…
Environment is everything
Following on from #7, your environment massively impacts your overall well-being. Cultivate your environment (analogue and digital) to allow yourself to blossom, bloom, thrive and maintain your peace. Regularly declutter, detox and cleanse. Spend more time in nature.
You’re too old for people-pleasing. It’s enough now.
It’s time to start saying no, way more often, to anyone and anything that doesn’t feel good.
Be kind, yes and more importantly, stay aligned with your authentic self. You can change your mind and direction as many times as you want or need to. You don’t need permission and you don’t owe anyone an explanation or apology for the choices you make for yourself and your life. Saying yes to your own wants, needs and desires does not make you a bad person. This is your life.
Life really is full of surprises
So, keep your heart open, let your intuition/inner voice be your guide, trust the process and trust your journey. It’s not always easy, but look how life continues to remind you that it always has a few surprises in reserve.
This is just a snapshot of the thoughts and musings that have filled my journal over the past 12 months and the advice I’ve given myself. Hopefully, it’s given you your own food for thought.
The past ten years or so feel like a blur and I genuinely think how the f*ck am I 43?!?!
And I’ve had this thought for probably every birthday since I turned 30.
Does this disbelief of ageing ever go away? And is it natural or is it due to our relationship with time and society’s obsession with ageing - especially for women?3
I wish I didn’t give a sh!t about time or ageing - or a lot of things come to think of it!
Journaling Prompts
(Apologies for the formatting of this section, Substack doesn’t space bullet-pointed sections very well)
List prompt
With music or in silence, make a list of all of the things you wish you didn’t give a sh!t about.
Write 100 entries, as fast as you can, in response to your chosen list (it’s OK to repeat entries)
Number your entries.
When you have finished writing your list, review your entries and explore the following questions in your journal:
How has making this list made you feel?
What is standing out to you?
What themes do you notice?
What surprises you?
Music prompt
Spend a few hours listening to an album you loved and had on repeat ten or twenty years ago (or ten if you’re a bit younger than I am).
Once you’ve spent some quality time with the album, explore the following questions in your journal:
What memories surfaced while listening to the album?
How did these memories make you feel?
In what ways are you different from the person you were twenty years ago?
In what ways are you very much the same person you were twenty years ago?
Question prompts
In your journal, explore the following questions:
How do you feel about ageing?
Who or what do you feel has shaped or influenced the way you feel about ageing?
What regrets, if any, do you have about your life?
What choices can you make now that could ease any regrets you have?
How have your core values changed or evolved over the past 12 months, if at all?
Bonus prompts
I have a blog post with 10 Birthday Self-Reflection Questions that may be of interest when you celebrate your next trip around the sun.
Journaling Playlist
This Lofi Morning playlist is giving me spring vibes and is lovely to journal along to.
FYI: Journaling Self-Care
That’s it from me, I’ll be enjoying the day with lots of sweet treats!
And if you fancy treating me to a hot chocolate for my birthday, you can do so here. 😉
As always, please tap the 🤍 if you have enjoyed this edition of Notes on Journaling to help other like-minded readers discover it on the Substack network.
And until next time, keep feeling, healing and dreaming through journaling. ✨️
~ Leanne
P.S. Feel free to share your thoughts about this edition of Notes on Journaling and anything that resonated with you in the comments.
I now pause and question anything that involves a “should”.
Everything seems to take more effort since the events of 2020 changed life as we knew it.
In a recent newsletter, Bangs Carey-Campbell recommended the Wiser Than Me podcast. I listened to the episode with Isabel Allende which left me feeling a little more hopeful and optimistic about ageing. As did the interview with Davina McCall on Diary of a CEO.
Saving the Birthday Journaling prompts for my bday in December <3 also subscribed to you. Found you through Sasha at Frank and Feel :) Looking forward to reading more from you. Going to try the wish I didnt give a shit about list today!
Taking prompt one to my journal this evening, and setting this email to snooze and pop up again on my birthday. I think it will be just the thing to start that day with. I hope you had a lovely birthday, and thank you for writing about hope and your thoughts. It's bouyed me up a lot today.